Biographies::Custodial Dad Subverted by Ill Mother 20061025

From R-KIDS of MN and GPF

My ex-wife and I divorced in 1998 after she began an affair with a chronic alcoholic and abuser (don’t ask me why, I’ll never understand it). At the time our two children were 12 and 8 years old. Despite all my efforts to try to get help before the divorce; via counseling and mediation; I was blocked at every turn with threats of calling the police and falsely reporting abuse and harassment. I endured this as well as the direct lies that my ex-wife included in her affidavit for divorce that insisted that I was emotionally abusive and obsessively controlling. Although none of these allegations were true or substantiated over a 17 year marriage. She also included as fact that she provided 95% of the care and nurturing of our children; despite the fact that I spent as much time with them when she was working (we had made a decision that although both of us worked, one of us would always be with the children). She not only petitioned for full child support but for additional ongoing support for herself. I knew she was not emotionally capable of parenting the children and in my responsive pleading asked for full legal and physical custody of the children. During the negotiation my attorney advised me several times to change my motion to accept joint legal and physical custody. Finally, I stated to my attorney that I knew that as long as I continued to press for full custody there would be a custody evaluation. Given the circumstances that my ex-wife was moving to, I also felt that she was not prepared to have her life scrutinized by the court. Her attorney perpetuated the wrangling right up to the court date, when moments before we were to walk into the courtroom my ex-wife offered to give me full custody on the condition that I reserve child support and pay her a direct stipend of $10,000. As I was only interested in one thing, which was what would be the most stable environment for the children I agreed. Three days after the divorce was final my ex-wife remarried with no advance notice to the children. Shortly thereafter, she moved out of state and told the children she was moving to Texas; but provided no direct address or phone number for the children. Instead, she indicated the children should contact through their maternal grandmother.

After a two year absence from the lives of the children; my ex-wife determined she wanted visitation with our daughter (not our son) in her new home in Colorado. She had never moved to Texas as she indicated in writing to the children. I had many concerns regarding her living situation and she was unwilling to provide any information regarding it to me. When I determined this was not reasonable visitation; she filed a motion with the court. Despite the fact that I provided direct evidence that her current husband had been arrested for DUI; that my ex-wife failed to provide any direct information about her living situation (including an address; all they supplied was a P O Box); and the fact that she had directly lied to the children in writing about where she was living (Texas versus Colorado); the court ordered visitation giving no credence to my concerns. Upon my daughter’s return, our home became the victim of a mail campaign from my ex-wife’s new home. We received dozens of letters from adults directed to my daughter that all had similar content; sympathizing with my daughter about how horrible her life was with me; that her mother is the only one who loves her; that I was the cause of her mother’s current lifestyle. Most disturbing were letters from someone who was calling himself, “Uncle Dave?” These letters were very personal and directed to a child who was but 11 years old at the time. To say I was concerned was an understatement. I took these letters to the counselor that I had arranged for my children (to deal with the post divorce issues) and got her opinion. The counselor validated my concerns and put them in writing. I then took this to my attorney; who then contacted my ex-wife’s attorney asking them to cease and desist. They refused. My attorney recommended that I write back to all the individuals saying there communication was unwanted and considered harmful asking them to stop. This did stop the “mail campaign” but only after I incurred additional expense with the counselor and attorney; as well as having to address through counseling the harm this inflicted on my daughter.

Two years later, my ex-wife wanted extended visitation with my daughter in Colorado over the summer (again directly excluding our son). I expressed my concerns over what had happened with the last visit and was quickly served with another motion that I was preventing visitation. Upon presenting the evidence of all the letters; the opinion of a professional counselor; and the counselor’s assessment of the emotional damage to my daughter; family court once again approved extended visitation. The court gave more credence to my ex-wife’s fabrications that I was directly keeping my daughter from her and preventing any meaningful visitation; and once again, ignoring direct documented evidence. Upon my daughter’s return, her behavior seemed strange. Within a month, I discovered that my daughter was contacting an adult male (over 40 years old) in Colorado that my ex-wife had introduced to her. I discovered many calls that she had made to this man (who supplied a calling card) were of a sexual nature. I contacted my ex-wife, who would not talk to me and referred me to her attorney. I then contacted the Sheriff’s office out in Colorado. My daughter had to speak to the Sheriff about the nature of the calls to report and stop this sexual predator. Once again, I incurred additional attorney fees and counseling expense as a direct result of the visitation.

A year later, my ex-wife once again wanted visitation in Colorado. I brought up my concerns to her regarding the last two visits and she had the audacity to claim that since the calls from the Colorado sexual predator occurred in my home; that it was my parenting that was to blame. Once again, she filed a motion for visitation, and once again I provided all the documentation from the last visits. Family court once again gave credence to her claims and appointed a Guardian Ad Litem. The guardian determined that it was in the child’s best interest to visit the mother; put no restrictions on the visitation (despite the history); and filed this report to the court. The court once again approved visitation.

This brings me to my most recent situation; in March of this year, my daughter was arrested for shoplifting. This was the culmination of many issues she was having in school regarding lying and providing false homework; as well having my spouse arrested for domestic abuse (which was a minor “pushing/shoving” incident). As a result of the arrest, my spouse, who had a spotless record with her in home daycare for over 20 years, was forced to close the business and thereby reduce our household income by over 40%. During the time from the assault allegation and the shoplifting, I allowed my daughter to stay temporarily with a friend. I had daily contact with my daughter during this “cooling off” period (of one month) and she was only a few blocks away. My daughter (now 16) chose not to inform her mother of the situation. It was under the temporary care of this friend’s parents, that my daughter committed the shoplifting. I realized that the issue needed to be addressed immediately and felt that my daughter needed to be away from the influences that we driving her current behavior. I made arrangements for an intensive counseling for her in Ohio (where my family lives) and took her there to live stay with my sister and her husband while she attended the counseling. I contacted her school, advised them of the situation as well as the location of the program. I kept them updated as to my daughter’s status during the counseling and prepared arrangements for her to make up the schooling that she would be missing. My ex-wife was advised (as is her right) of the shoplifting and immediately demanded information as to how to contact our daughter; despite having no contact for over 2 years. I supplied the information and advised my family to be certain that I would not interfere with my ex-wife’s parental rights regarding contact.

After two month’s of counseling, my daughter was ready to return to Minnesota. I made arrangements with the school for summer sessions and brought her back. Realizing that we still had issues to work through regarding her assault allegations on my spouse I determined until we were able complete appropriate counseling, that my daughter and I would live in the finished basement of our home (complete amenities including full bath, kitchen and bedrooms) as it has a separate walk out entrance. I required my daughter find part time employment as well attend the summer school make up session. I allowed her friends over and was working diligently to get her ready for the upcoming school year. My daughter gave me every indication things were going well; she seemed to enjoy her job and was completing her summer school. She also had time for friends, however I was very cautious as to her contacts as I wanted her to have the appropriate influences in her life (and eliminate the influences that led to the shoplifting). Just over one month into her return, I received a letter from my ex-wife’s attorney indicating they would be filing a motion to change custody. Unknown to me at the time was my daughter was telling her mother how difficult her situation was and that she did not want to live with me. I feel this was a direct result of the consequences I gave her regarding the shoplifting. Upon questioning my daughter about the motion; she became defensive; called her mother who immediately was coaching our daughter to call the police on me. I told my daughter to make arrangements to go to your mother at this point as I could ill afford false accusations that would result in my arrest. I took her to the airport the next day.

Prior to filing a motion, my ex-wife’s attorney provided me a stipulation to change physical custody and reserve child support. Given my past experience with my ex-wife, I had reservations and asked for schooling information for my daughter; health care facilities; and availability of counseling. They supplied all this information for Colorado schools; Colorado clinics; and even provided a copy of an enrollment form for the Colorado school. After much soul searching and reflecting on what counselors had told me regarding “attachment disorder” (which was their diagnosis of my daughter’s behavior), I signed the stipulation in good faith, in the hopes that my ex-wife (now divorcing her alcoholic and abusive second husband) and our daughter would be able to resolve some of their issues and help them to a more normal relationship. Before the stipulation was even filed with the court, my ex-wife moved my daughter back to Minnesota with the family she was temporarily staying when her shoplifting occurred. My ex-wife also attempted to enroll my daughter in her prior school; after she had the records transferred to Colorado. I only discovered the situation after the stipulation was executed by the judge. I contacted the Minnesota school and advised them of the stipulation to determine my daughter’s status. Upon reviewing the stipulation, the school determined that my daughter was not eligible to attend as her physical custodian was a Colorado resident. School officials removed my daughter from enrollment. Shortly thereafter, I received a blank non resident form from my ex-wife’s attorney asking me to sign it immediately for a second school in Minnesota. I had already made 4 requests of this attorney as to an address and telephone number for contacting my daughter and received no acknowledgement. I refused to sign a blank document without any information as to my daughter’s whereabouts. I did contact the school (that was designated at the top of the form) and found that not only had my ex-wife enrolled my daughter, but used a false address for her and listed the family where she had placed my daughter as her “guardians.” Upon presentation to the school of stipulation, they made the same determination as to my daughter’s eligibility and removed her from enrollment.

At this point, I contacted an attorney and we put an order to court asking them to vacate the stipulation and order as fraudulent. We provided over 20 direct evidentiary documents showing the dates; information supplied to me (misleading me into the belief that my daughter would be in my ex-wife’s custody); fraudulent information on school registration documents; and the direct violation of my parental rights by not informing me of my daughter’s whereabouts or the plan to have her attend school in Minnesota; but not live with me. This directly put my daughter back with the influences that led to her shoplifting. At court yesterday, I had to listen to the usual litany of how I was keeping my daughter from her mother; that I was directly interfering with her registration at school; and that I should provide child support to her mother (despite the fact that her mother did not even have her living in her home). Despite all the evidence supplied; despite the long history of her mother’s behavior and lack of interest; despite the fact they never informed me of their plan; despite their own criminal activity in providing false information to register my daughter at a Minnesota school; the court granted a temporary order leaving my daughter where she is and allowing her to register in her original school. My daughter (at her mother’s behest) has now obtained her own attorney who represented her in court. He freely admitted he has known my daughter for less than five days; yet his testimony was given credence over a father that has cared for her during her entire life. The court has given my daughter the absolute worse lesson; that to get what you want, all you need do is provide enough lies; hide behind an attorney; never be accountable for providing fraudulent information; and be willing to hurt anyone who truly cares about the kind of adult you will grow to be. This is truly a self perpetuating system. The family court conveniently ignores direct, documented evidence and gives children what they want…not what they need. I have little alternative at this point as to my daughter’s future. I have requested an evidentiary hearing (which will take up to six months when my daughter will be less than six months from her 18th birthday); or I can attempt to emancipate her now and give her the consequences for her actions that the court refuses to give. Clearly, conscientious parents are not allowed to parent according to family court.

This type of judicial corruption and indifference is directly responsible for the multi million dollar divorce (and subsequent child custody) industry. While there is little that can be done in my case (at this point), I feel that my situation is not unique. A way needs to be found to fix a system that continues to corrupt our youth and fill our society and courts with future “clients” (for lack of a better word). It is obvious to me that the only way to succeed in family court is to make baseless accusations; provide fraudulent information to the court; throw out any normal rules of evidence; and realize that as a diligent father you will be constantly overruled by individuals that have had less contact with your children than your local librarian.

Please let me know how I can help your effort, through volunteerism or donations to get our stories out and make our politicians accountable for making appropriate changes to this “kangaroo” family court.